| Legends of the Hidden Temple |
[Oct. 5th, 2004|05:53 pm] |
Today I did not exist. I was pushed to the side like some sort of imagination. Our eyes did not even meet. And when I wanted to be by your side I fell behind, first by accident, which clearly became your intention. And as I dragged myself behind, I watched your every step, the steps taken without me. I caught up and once more I was at your side for less than seconds, this time you were hasty in rushing ahead and by the time I parted my lips, you were gone.
I whispered and had my voice been strong enough to carry an echo to your ears you would have heard me say-- |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 3rd, 2004|10:40 pm] |
Today was my last day as a courtesy clerk.
This morning I watched Taxi Driver.
This was my favorite part:
He shoots a bunch of pimps and is sitting on the couch bleeding. Then cops come up in the room and point a gun at him. He does the hand gesture of a gun and puts his hand which is dripping blood up to his head and makes this noise like "pshu pshu." It's hot. He's very badass.
Also, my parents hate me but I'll save that for later because I don't feel like talking about it right now. |
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| Right now, the sky looks like cotton candy. |
[Sep. 25th, 2004|07:44 pm] |
Work.
I did not offer greetings or goodbyes. No customer recieved a smile. Today I was not a person, just a machine. Back and forth, no eye contact.
I did not feel alive. |
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| For a little while I felt safe. |
[Sep. 25th, 2004|10:58 am] |
I worry too much. I seriously need to stop that. Nothing is wrong.
I'm only happy when I am with Blaine. When I am not, I'm fucking scared. I have a fear of being forgotten.
I know that is ridiculous. He's not just going to forget about me. Yet my stomach stays in knots and only talking to him or seeing him unties it.
I'm not afraid of his actions or words. He will never intentionally hurt me. I'm afraid something will occur by accident.
I'm terrified that my future is not in my hands. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 24th, 2004|06:31 pm] |
I am dependent.
I am uneasy.
I am jealous.
I am weak.
I am afraid.
I am lonely.
i am nothing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 23rd, 2004|05:47 pm] |
Sometimes I wish I would have taken Art classes instead of Theatre classes. I've heard from people that art classes aren't fun and they didn't like the assignments but still, atleast I would have felt like I walked away with something. There are so many things I'd like to draw/paint and I can not. I try but I don't really know the techniques or the right materials to use for what I want to make. I know that a huge part of it is creativity but I just want to know where to start. My aunt is really good at painting, etc and she taught me some when she lived here but I forgot most of it. I really liked Theatre though, acting, directing, and everything. I just never really learned what I was hoping to and the things I took the class looking for. 4 Theatre credits vs. 4 Art credits = art wins. Dammit. I'm most interested in Science and I didn't bother taking extra Science classes either. Oh well, if I attend college I will pick classes that I actually want.
I just thought about it and remembered I didn't take Art because my mom wouldn't let me. Ridiculous. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2004|03:09 pm] |
My internet does not function properly and when it does, sometimes I wish it didn't. No more AIM, but livejournal. I like writing in mine but I need to stop reading other peoples. Most of the time they upset me in one way or another. Either I'm angry, sad, or more often jealous. Pathetic, I know, but that is me.
I secretly dyed my hair black yesterday. I didn't show my mom until this morning. I asked her if she wanted a suprise and I guess she knew coming from me it was something bad, so she said no. I told her that she was going to get it anyway and I walked downstairs. At first she didn't notice and then she said "oh my god, your hair is the exact same color as your jacket." But she didn't seem that mad and she said it looked better than she thought it would. She even went as far to say "it looks pretty." When I got home from school there was an immediate lecture on how bad it looked. "It looks terrible courtney. You look so bad. You are too pale for hair that dark. It looks ugly, I'm not going to lie to you." "Mom, my friends liked it." "I don't care, it's your friends job to lie to you and tell you that you look good. No one in your family is going to like it." Well I don't really care about my family's opinions. My dad hasn't seen it yet. I hate him so it does not matter what he says. I pay even less attention to him then I do to my mom. I have already started doing lots of things regardless if she wants me to or not. I'm not listening to either one of them anymore. I'm no longer afraid.
( it's black, motherfucker. ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2004|03:00 pm] |
Just because there is a dire need to clarify, I will explain one thing and only this: The following entry is in no way related to the previous one. It may not be related to any previous entries, for that matter. With that being said...
I feel very dizzy and weak at the moment. It is not a particular thing said or done. It is a feeling that I get at times of uncertainty. There is a familiar paranoia that often encompasses me and I feel uneasy about any decision made until it passes. Yet there is no decision to be made which leaves me more confused than when it came. It literally feels like the room is spinning around me. I want the world in slow motion so I am able to reorder everything and possibly change every action before it occurs or atleast to delay the negative reaction. I want something else that is permanent, not just fear. |
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| It feels like a dream. It is my dream. |
[Sep. 15th, 2004|08:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | so fucking happy. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Joy Division- She's lost control | ] |
I am so happy right now. Today was one of the best days I have had in a very long time. There is a feeling I get when I am with Blaine that can not be explained or ever felt at any time other than time spent with him. Trying to write anything about this would be insulting to my feelings. It can't be done. I know how it feels and I'm pretty sure he does too.
This is all that matters. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2004|04:40 pm] |
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Just got back from job interview at "Spirit Halloween Superstore." There are 2 managers, Jeff and a woman. Jeff told me to come today but he wasn't there so I the woman gave me it. She said "you make me happy." =) At the end she said she would hire me right there but she had to talk to Jeff. He's her teethless boyfriend I think. She said that he will probably hire me because he told me to come for an interview and "he is very selective about who he interviews." So yay! I'm excited. I love Halloween. I hope I get to stand on the street wearing a costume with a sign. I like dressing up. |
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| Blaine is the best x 10. |
[Sep. 7th, 2004|06:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  loved <3 | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ___________ | ] |
I just went to see Blaine at work and I bought an ultra delicious coffee that he made me. He drew a heart on the top with chocolate and it made me incredibly happy. He's so sweet. I know, nobody cares but little things like that make me feel really good. So I'm really happy now, and I just wanted everyone to know. =)
I like good moods. |
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| The sound of the fan reminded him of his space ship turning off. Now fly away to your alien friends. |
[Sep. 6th, 2004|06:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | alright. | ] |
| [ | music |
| | At the Drive-In _ Rolodex Propaganda | ] |
I had fun at Shannon's house with that alien bug named Dwight, even though he wanted to take over our planet and he kept flicking us off. It was really funny because Shannon went to the bathroom and he attacked me by busting out of his cup and flying at my face. I couldn't find it so went out of the room and Shannon said that he would be sleeping on the pillow when we got back and dude! I swear it really was just sitting there still on the pillow. I don't know. It probably sounds dumb. I guess you had to of been there, either that or you have to be retarded. lol Anyway, I took a photograph of him. Observe:
I wish I could have seen Blaine this weekend though.
Blaine, if you are reading this: I owe you 10,000 kisses and 3 of something of your choice. =) |
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| <3 |
[Sep. 1st, 2004|08:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happyhappyjoy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Blood Brothers new cd leaked from the internet | ] |
Blaine and me are back together. I love him so much and I am so happy to be with him. We've been together for 16 or 17 months or something. I don't care that weren't together for short portions of that time. I never stopped thinking about him. When I'm with him I feel complete.
Other news:
In english we had to talk about ourselves. I said "My name is Courtney. I work at Safeway. I like horror movies and icecream cake." My teacher asked me if I was gothic. WTF? Yes, all goths wear pastel purple and white clothes and love icecream cake.
I gauged my ears. 8g. It sucked. I had to get like a sledgehammer and nail them in there. Except instead of a sledgehammer I used scissors. I didn't work too good. I used toothpicks to stretch them out and they like got stuck. haha This is so lame. I hope they magically strech overnight. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 1st, 2004|12:12 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Morrissey- Let Me Kiss You | ] |
"So close your eyes and think of someone you physically admire and let me kiss you. But then you open your eyes
and you see someone that you physically despise but my heart is open to you."
I don't really know what I want right now. Well I think I know, I just can't decide if things should be the way I want them. I want them how they were meant to be, not the way I force them to be. I am really happy about how things between me and Blaine are right now. But sometimes I wish we were more than just friends. He is my best friend in the world. I want us to be closer, like we used to be. I want to tell him my secrets. I want to just lay there with him for hours in his arms and not say a word, just stare and run my fingers through his hair and across his neck. I still kiss him now but I want to kiss him I know that I am his. I want him to know that he is the most important person to me. I want us to be together and have moments when it feels like we are the only two people in the world.
Maybe I set my hopes to high but he is the one I want to be with forever and when forever comes I'll be here. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 31st, 2004|08:05 pm] |
I reserved Passion of the Christ at blockbuster because you get the DVD and 7 free movie rentals for 30$. I picked it up today after school. I didn't feel like watching the whole movie but I wanted to watch the part where Jesus gets his ass beat. Dude, It is one of the sickest things I have ever seen. I can watch anything, blood doesn't make me sick, but this does. I'm almost forced to shut my eyes on parts of it. It is sooooooo gross. Now I feel like I am going to throw up.
Anyway though, it is going to be a good year. It's awesome that I don't have to stay in school all day. It makes the day so much better. I don't even feel like I go to school. Even outside of school everything is great. I am so freakin happy. I haven't been this happy in.... ever. =) |
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| HAHA! i am at home and you are not. well, most of you are not. =P |
[Aug. 30th, 2004|01:48 pm] |
First Day of School.
Where did all these people come from? I have seriously never seen 2/3rds of them in my life. I guess we got all new students this year.
Morning- I saw Blaine and I've been really, really happy ever since. It's great seeing him again. For all who are wondering, we are still just friends but I hug and kiss and hold my friends hands, except for the kissing and hand holding part. Blaine is just so awesome that he gets kisses too. =)
1st period- Co-op. This class is pointless and is going to suck. I don't even understand it's purpose. People I know in that class= 1: Sara from work.
2nd period- Algebra 2. Thank you ANS for making me behind in math but you know, I enjoy having 9th graders in my classes. The class is infested with freshman and Diana Lubic (any one who knows her, understands.)It is so lame, my teacher is without a doubt homosexual, and he said I am sitting in the "hot spot" or something like that. Which means I was automatically elected to collect all the papers in class. Goodie. People I know in that class= 2: Maysa and Diana Lubic.
3rd Period- English IV H. Not so bad except I didn't do any of my summer reading. From what I've been told by others, hardly anyone read anyway. The other sucky thing is it is out in the trailors. The teacher is new which rocks, she'll be easy. And the best part of all is Blaineeeeeeeeee. He sits on the other side of the room but I don't care. He is still within winking distance. =)
People I know in that class= Alot + Blaine. =)
4th period- Nutrition Technology. I did not sign up for that shit. I was supposed to be in Child Development but they messed up. At first I was like "noooooooo, I work in a grocery store around food, my mom yells at me everyday for how i eat and now I'm stuck in a class about it!" But it's not so bad now. It seems like it is going to be a really easy class. We get to use markers and scissors! That's enough to please me in most cases.
Then I get to go home at 11!!!!!!!!!!!!! Woot!!!! =)
Anyone else have 5th lunch? I don't have to stay for it but I will if you are cool enough. =) (kayla, i already planning on staying to talk to you tomorrow.) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 29th, 2004|12:40 pm] |
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I'm so confused right now. I'm going to see him tomorrow and I'm not sure I want to. I really miss him but I've noticed that it is better if I have no contact with him at all. I'm fine without him and I move on but it only takes a few words for me to fall for him again. Sometimes I think it would be better if he was just mean to me and stayed mad at me forever. It would be better than him faking love. |
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| BUSYYYYYYYY DAY |
[Aug. 29th, 2004|09:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  busy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | DJ Funk- Ass and Titties | ] |
School starts tomorrow and there is so much for me to do. But instead of doing any of it I'm sitting here updating my Live Journal and dancing to this funky techno beat. Lame. Something productive has came of it though, I suppose. I have composed a little list.
"Ish" I have to do:
- Boatloads of laundry
- Read 4 books
- Work from 1-8
- Shower, twice, maybe even three times
- Find a pen to take to school
- Drink the rest of this Cherry Limade in the cup I hold right now. Yum. It's so good. =)
- Remember what else I have to do because I'm sure I'm forgetting atleast 3 things. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 28th, 2004|08:45 pm] |
This morning- Walmart to get trumpet for Ty. Saw Ally with free car wash sign. That was only the second time my car has ever been washed since I have had it. I waited forever to meet Mark but by the time he came by it was over. So we went back to my house and we washed his car. Except we got lazy and he ended up washing it himself. I did get rid of that watermelon that has been rotting in my car for months though. I found out that I gained enough muscles to lift it and celebrated by putting it in his backseat. He said that if its rotten he will fill it up with vodka. haha. Which is fine because he's been able to legally drink for... uh, what is Ally, 10 years now? haha
This night- Work. Do you have any idea what it is like to have trash spilt on you? I don't think you do so I will elaborate. It's gross. Eh, that's enough for now. I don't even really feel like writing.
One last thing... I wrote a song about Safeway. =) |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 27th, 2004|10:00 pm] |
So I thought tonight would be gay because I couldn't get a hold of Jen. She could have spent the night and had fun with me but nooooooo.
Me, Matt and Josh went to Pizza Hut and decided that there is a new policy: If they don't give you the check in 20 minutes, the pizza is free. So we just walked out. There was a cop car next to mine. He's probably going to track me down. But that black waiter is coming to Matt's house tonight. haha. He's going to wake up and he'll be standing at the door. I'd rather have the cop.
We listened to Quailhood in memory of John. Oh by the way JOHN!!! Your new song gave my little brother nightmares. haha My mom said that he woke up at 2 in the morning and he kept saying that he heard the "devil voice" from the chorus. I have this red rubber ducky with horns. I'm going to put it in his room tonight. I hope he is scared for the rest of his life. =) |
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| "There is no one on earth I'm afraid of" |
[Aug. 27th, 2004|05:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Morrissey- Irish Blood, English Heart | ] |
This morning- Went to Jen's and got the cd she hid for me in the bush. Hung out with Ally and her scary dad. We ate some taco bell. We got hit on by U.S marines that swarmed her car with a sign saying "pretty women get cars washed for free" or something like that and they came to the window and said they need girls over there. We declined. We looked very white trash this morning. "Theres a nigger to your left." "Can I get someone to wipe the grease off my car." I met Weston and his nice hair. haha
An hour ago- Went to Matt's with Josh and Nick. Josh killed me in Soul Calibur 2 but it was the playstation one that I have never played before. I still owned Nick so that was cool. We went to Safeway and Matt bought us VENTE coffee. Woot! Anyone who buys me coffee is awesome so thank you Matt, you rule! You're mom is insane. I took Josh to Mcdonough for band because Paul wouldn't let him ride with him and nick. haha. Paul= douchebag. Oh well I didn't mind too much. I had nothing better to do.
Tonight- probably nothing. haha
Tomorrow- work 4-8. mothershit. |
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| i'm going to throw up. =( |
[Aug. 25th, 2004|11:21 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Used- On My Own | ] |
Okay, I kind of feel dumb. I just got back from hide and seek but when I left, I cried the whole way home. I'm surprised I didn't crash. John leaves for college tomorrow and I don't know why I care so much but I do and I'm going to miss him. =( He makes me happy. I'm so lame. I barely even know him. I don't know what my problem is but I need to fix it. I don't know how I could get attached to someone in like 2 weeks. I'm acting like he is dying or something. I'll probably see him eventually. It's not like I see him everyday now or anything. I think I just liked knowing the fact that he was here.
Bah, I don't know... I'm going to stop writing now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 24th, 2004|10:22 pm] |
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Today was good but I feel like being a slacker and not writing about it right now. John Jeffcott is so cool. |
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| quick update. |
[Aug. 23rd, 2004|09:53 pm] |
- Today I passed out in my shower. I hit my nose and my eye but ice fixed it up and you can't tell now. I don't know why but I pass out sometimes for no reason. I probably should go to the doctors but I hate them. Its been like this for a couple of years and I'm not retarded or dead yet so I think i'm good to go.
-A jellyfish kicked my ass but atleast it didnt sting me in the face like it did to shannon. Expect pictures of the beach later.
- I love coffee.
- I guess thats it. |
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| bloody nose from a funnoodle blow |
[Aug. 22nd, 2004|09:30 am] |
Last night was pretty cool. I think I can describe it perfectly by quoting Nick: "the hot tub was filled with nakedness and feet. and it was way hot!" haha All I can think of is all those feet. It was kind of strange. I think there were some extra legs floating around in there too. My parents completely drained the hot tub and are outside pouring bleach in it. haha. They must think you guys are dirty. =P
To the people who said they were coming and didn't: you guys are wankers. you missed out. =P
And where were you, Shannon????? |
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| hahahhahahahhahahhhhaaha |
[Aug. 21st, 2004|11:29 am] |
What the...
Oh man, mood swings are great. I just don't care anymore.
I shouldn't care anyway so it's good that I don't.
I'm slightly insane but I'm fine with that.
It's comforting to know that he has a crush on someone else too. Now I don't feel so bad about giving up so easily. It wasn't meant to be with us, so it's time to let it go. I don't even want anything like that again. I just want someone to be happy with for a little while. I won't wait for it to go stale. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 19th, 2004|11:10 am] |
My journal is in dire need of a new entry. For all who are wondering that last post was stupid. It's ridiculious that it rounded up 30 some comments. What it was about was also very lame. But, oh well. =)
This morning I picked up my paycheck. 15$ woot! That will get me gas and one starbucks coffee, if I'm lucky. If not it will get me almost 4 coffees and no gas. I'll just walk to work. Never get the passion tea at starbucks. It's rotten. lol Stick with the Java Chip. =)
Work isn't that bad though even if i hardly get paid. Sometimes I get visitors. Yesterday John stopped by to get some starbursts and kept me company for a little while as I showed off my starburst unwrapping skills. I bet he can really make that origami swan, he just was being modest.
I'll write more later but my dad is yelling at me to get offline. "courtney, i need the phone." |
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| YAY |
[Aug. 17th, 2004|10:50 pm] |
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I FUCKING HATE YOU. I HATE BLAINE. I HATE DANI. |
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| Yoshimitshu has a vagina. |
[Aug. 16th, 2004|10:04 am] |
I deliver what I promise and I said I would have an illustration for those who were not there to witness me kill Ethan. This is pretty accurate:
*For those who are not fluent in Japanese, the writing on the top left corner reads: "owned."
ethan saw this 7 times. |
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| [rant] |
[Jun. 3rd, 2004|06:49 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Faint- Take me to the Hospital | ] |
God it's so annoying living here.
There's my step-dad who suddenly thinks I am his slave and has me drive all over the place to get things for him like his dry cleaning, dinner, torch fuel and basketball nets. I hardly ever see him and I'm not too upset about that but when I do see him it's just him asking me to do something for him. And he wants to move us to Delaware. WT-fucking-F?
Then there's my mom who isn't happy with anyone no matter what. She has it so easy. She doesn't even work and today she was talking about how the lady across the street doesn't "really even have a job." Her reasoning for this was that "the lady is just a school nurse." Yeah, this woman went to college for the training. She used to work as a nurse at a hospital but started working at her son's school because the tuition is high and it lowers the cost for her. Oh, not to mention, her husband is an anesthesiologist. But my mom... she never trusts me. She asks me to go get something for her and I have to call when I get there and call on my way back. My dad is the same way about it, even then he calls as I'm pulling into our neighborhood and asks where I am. If you are going to be so goddamn fucking worried about me, don't send me out.
My brother Ty, he's the worst. I can't even explain how bad he is. He is so spoiled. No one would ever believe how spoiled this kid is. He's like an annoying little brat you'd see on a tv sitcom. He gets a new PS2 game every friday. He's such a little fucking glutton. He's skinny but you would imagine him being a fat kid drooling over a game controller, sticky from the last icecream sundae he carelessly ate. He's absolutely foul... and he's only 9.
The only good thing here is my dog OC. I'm taking her with me when I move, actually I'm not. She is annoying too and barks too much. Sometimes, I want to shoot her.
I hate being here and I always want to go to Blaine's to get out of this shit hole. Sometimes we have to hang out over here so my parents don't crap themselves about me going over there so much. I feel bad having him come over here, it sucks so much. |
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| I'm going to be pissed for the rest of my life. |
[May. 23rd, 2004|10:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | FUCK! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | me about to scream and kill someone | ] |
Yesterday was the worse day, maybe not ever, but that i've had in a long time. I had such a terrible time at HFS. Amanda's mom made us leave early so I didn't get to see The Cure. They were the only band I even wanted to see besides Modest Mouse. I saw Modest Mouse it kinda sucked because I could hardly see what was going on. It was still fun and I'm glad I saw them. I also saw Blaine which was kinda cool because I didnt think I would see him there.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR1 I'm so mad!@!@#@!% 4tfgy5
I still just want to beat the fuck out of someone. We left at 6:30 when it was finally starting to cool off alittle. I waited all day in the hot sun in a extremely crowded place where thousands of people where sweating on me for nothing. I wouldn't care at all because I know I was at a concert and almost passing out is part of it but it wasn't so hot anymore and I was used to the crowd and then I had to leave before I saw one of my favorite bands.
Eh, whatever. I can't really explain how mad I am. I can't wait to talk to Blaine. I just want to atleast know what The Cure was like. I'm sure they kicked ass. I can live vicariously through him and pretend I saw The Cure. It will make me feel better. =) |
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